Fast Five (2011)

Fast Nine just doesn't have the same ring to it?  Which Five are the Five?

Possibly one of the better movies (relax, I know what I said) of the series Fast Five still has its weird moments.  This is the first movie where the series gets kind of smart and incorporates all the little characters that it's collected along the way like Pokemon and combines them together to make the ultimate force of thugs, carjackers, racers and two very argumentative, Puerto Rican handy men (who, get this, a couple of singer-song writers in Puerto Rico).

Along with adding all these old familiar faces, a very wet Dwayne Johnson is added to the mix.  Seriously I swear, before every take they spray him down like a Gatorade ad, his 4 inch beard dripping with sweat in every take.  It's unsettling, he's probably also the reason this film is the first that's sponsored by UnderArmour, because his whole team seems to be donning the brand.  

NOT JUST GYM WEAR!

  

Unlike the title suggests there's far more than five of them.  There's actually a whopping 9 main characters in this band of thieves.  They basically pull the Italian Job but in Brazil (which coincidentally is supposed to be the sequel to The Italian Job).

With the overflow of characters there's never a dull moment in dialogue.  All the exposition heavy moments are filled with characters finishing each other's sentences and everyone in the room swinging their attention around like they're at a hockey game (typical Canadian simile, sorry). 

I guess they were looking to find a way to make the dialogue moments as exciting as the car scenes.



In the home stretch of the film the dynamic-duo Baldy and Blue-Eyes pull an enormous vault out of a police station and drag it behind their two cars.  SOMEHOW they are still able to outrun the squad cars chasing them.  That's when Mia on the radio pipes up with the least necessary piece of dialogue of the entire movie, "It's official guys, you've got every dirty cop in Rio on your tail, you've gotta move FAST." (Face palm).

Fast and Furious (2009)

We are so sorry about Tokyo Drift.  Diesel flipped a coin and decided this franchise had more of a future than the Porn industry (XXX). 

Coming off the very different, very unsupported, threequal (okay I promise I'm done using that) Tokyo Drift, the franchise decided to go back to its roots and not a moment too soon.  They finally bring back the F-Team. 

Not only do they start off the movie with exactly the type of high-intensity moment that made us fall in love at the first movie (the truck heists, can we agree they're always the best parts).

They basically give it the same title.  This is their way of saying, "We are so...sorry about Tokyo Drift, please...please come back to us."

But the movie's not without its flaws.  This is when we begin to see the even more outrageous action sequences, ones that we've come to expect and dare I say encourage from the films of today.   So really it could be seen as a improvement by some.  The movies go from being grounded in reality to some degree; guys and girls and cars.  To being about superhuman action stars that are unstoppable.

There are two particular moments in this movie that drive me nuts. one is when Dom discovers that Letty came to see Brian before she died and he starts kicking the s*** out of Blue-Eyed-Bry.  He beats him for about a minute and a half.  Repeated punches to the face; yet when his sister is able to call him off Paul Walker simply wipes the no-blood off his chin, and looks completely unscathed (love that word).

There are so many instances where everyone should just be unconscious for like an hour, but then the movies would be longer.  Dom and Mia playing scrabble or something till he comes-to. 

The other thing that keeps happening in these movies; they'll be undercover, pulling a "Fast-one" on this all-powerful mob boss and they keep smiling and nodding, giving these looks to each other when they accomplish a lie or get information.  These must be the dumbest mobsters for this to work.  I long for the day a henchmen is just like, "Boss... they smiled and nodded!" "Kill them." 

Lastly this movie introduces Lady Gisele played by Gal Gadot, an actress/model whose fame from these movies signed her as Wonder Woman, and not just for one film, but 4+ Wonder Woman appearances including her own stand-alone movie.  WHAT THE F***?!  I mean don't get me wrong, she's beautiful, but this toothpick is going to be playing a badass amazon legend... 

"That's messed up brah!""THANK you Tyrese Gibson!"